MORE MANUBIE PLEASE!
It all started during a training conference in Atlanta, Georgia. I had just returned from the Black Cat Tattoo Parlor (another story for later) on a Saturday Night. I had made a phone call to Rachael to tell her about the killer tribal tattoo I had got on my back. After I got done telling her of my artistic escapade, I went to sleep. Approximately, two hours later, I woke up to a stinging sensation over my right eye. Half a sleep, I slap whatever it was that was biting me (thinking it was a mosquito of some sort) and went back to sleep.
The next morning I woke up to my cell phone ringing. It was Rachael again. While I was talking to her, I noticed that my eyes were having a hard time focusing. As I rubbed my eyes, figuring I was just sleepy; my eyes started to burn and become increasingly sensitive to the light.
Me: I think I was bitten by a Vampire and I am in the middle of my transformation!
Rachael: What?
The next thing I know, I am being rushed to Piedmont Hospital. I am in severe pain and blind in one eye!
(One of the girls from work searched my room and found the culprit that bit me. A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER! Yep, in my hotel room!)
When I got to Triage, I could barely see anything at all except for shapes and shadows. I sat in the emergency room for 2 hours seeing 5 different nurses.
They ALL Spoke Fluent Retard and asked me the SAME questions over and over.
Nurse: I need some information.
Me (irritated): WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLE NEED TO ASK ME NOW?
Nurse (matter-of-fact): Social Security Number?
Me: I TOLD YOU EARLIER! DON’T YOU WRITE THIS STUFF DOWN?
I tell her the number again while holding my head in my hands in agony!
Nurse (dumbfounded): 06 What?
Me (In pain and EXTREMELY annoyed): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I repeat it.
Nurse (confused like the retard she is): 062 or Oh, 62?
Me: Oh Dear Jesus, are you kidding me? You’re from Daily Labor, aren’t you?
Nurse (oblivious): What?
Me (frustrated): JUST PUT YOURS IN FOR NOW AND WE CAN WORK IT OUT LATER!
Nurse (deer in headlights): What?
Aggravated, I start throwing out random numbers; she only has to catch nine.
She reads a string of them back
Nurse: Is that right?
Me (motioning her to go away with my hand): YES, BINGO! Whatever!
In the mists of my pain, a doctor walks in wearing a tie covered with yellow smiley faces. He was a walking advertisement for Wal-Mart on Ecstasy.
Patch Adams: You appear to be in pain!
Me: Hey-Captain Obvious! Less Talking, More Drugs!
He takes out his handy-dandy clip board and a pen.
Patch: Date of last Menstrual Period?
I look at him in Contempt.
Me: I JUST ANSWERED THIS WITH THE NURSE! DID SHE WRITE IT IN CODE? I GOT BIT BY A SPIDER AND I AM TURNING INTO HELEN KELLER HERE AND YOU WANT TO KNOW IF I AM RIDING THE COTTON PONY?
Knowing that Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is now a legal defense for murder, I tell him I have it currently. (It is always nice to have a back-up defense in case my attorney needs options.)
Then another doctor comes in and I SWEAR TO GOD he asked me:
Doctor: What painkiller do you want me to give you?
Me: WHAT? YOU DON’T KNOW? DID YOU GET YOUR MEDICAL DEGREE FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX?
I get bit by a spider and I have Doogie Houser by my side! THAT’S JUST FRICK’EN GREAT!
Me: SOMETHING THAT WORKS DAMMIT!
Dr: What kind of high do you like?
Me: ONE THAT WONT KILL ME!
Dr. Kevorkian then looks at the nurse and orders Nubain.
(I wasn’t familiar with Nubain until I found out later they use it a lot in child birth so that should explain the damn pain I was in!)
The nurse then comes into the room and looks at me.
Nurse: You might want to lay back.
Me: Why? Is this gonna make me float? Cause I hate that floaty crap! If I float I will make sure someone dies when I come down!
Nurse: No, It wont make you float, but you should get comfortable
I lay back and watch her put this needle into the IV. I swear to you as sure as I am alive, that stuff coursed through my veins and into my head faster than Whitney Houston’s stay in rehab.
My head all of a sudden weighed as much as Kristie Alleys thigh and I couldn’t move. They didn’t FLOAT ME- they SUNK ME! Like the TITANIC and it was GREAT!
The nurse turned out the lights and smiled:
Nurse: Good night!
Me: uhh huh.
Ok, now I have learned from some friends who have tripped on acid that you should always be careful of the last thing you either watched on TV or had in your head BEFORE taking the trip. I now know why they said this! Before I left the hotel, the Sound of Music was on the TV.
Within a blink on an eye, I was on a mountain top swinging around in circles; wearing a penguin dress, singing on top of my lungs The Hills Are Alive. The only difference between me and Julie Andrews was I really thought they were and talking to me!
I never understood how people could love drugs…until now. I woke up in a haze six hours later, when Dr. Feelgood came in with MORE.
In between shots, I would call Rachael:
Me: Heey yew!
Rachael: You just wake up?
Me: Yesh I did and the word of the day is WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Rachael: Nice!
Me: This Manubie or Newbie stuff is soo awesum girrrrl..I heard the hills talk’en and da animals and guessh whad theey said?
Rachael: What?
Me: Thaiy don’t like PETA ehither!
Rachael: That’s nice Corie!
Me: Awe, Here’s da nurse now…
Rachael: Ok honey, Night Night!
Me: Buh bye, I love yew!
For a week straight I was blitzed on a sleigh ride of euphoria; but then came the EVILEST words I have EVER HEARD in the English Language:
Nurse: Time to stop the Nubain.
Me: Wwh whh whh WHAT? WHY?
Nurse: You are doing much better but we will substitute it with light doses of Morphine.
Me: What? YOU CAN’T MAKE THAT CHOICE!
Nurse: Sorry, Doctors Orders!
Me: IT STILL HURTS!
Nurse: On a scale 1-10, what is your pain?
Me: 15
Nurse (sarcastically): Sure it is!
Me (accusing): Hey! YOU DON’T KNOW! I HAVE A LOW TOLERANCE!
Nurse: Mmm Hmm.
ME: I WON’T BE IGNORED! BRING ME DR.FEELGOOD!
Nurse (carefree): Sorry! He’s not here this morning
Me (pointing at here): Ah Ha! He doesn’t know of your deviation!
Nurse: He called his instructions in.
Me: I don’t trust you; I demand a second opinion by a trained medical professional!
Nurse (Ignoring my requests): I will note your chart.
Me (suspiciously): I bet you don’t even have a license! Where did you go to school?
Nurse: What?
Me: Don’t stall! You heard me! You’re stalling so you can make-up an answer!
Nurse (rolling her eyes): Yeah, you got me. I am working off my Community Service!
Me: Don’t toy with me woman!
Nurse (administering Morphine to IV): There, all done.
Me: I am suspicious of your credentials!
Nurse (walking away): That’s Nice.
Me (evil voice): Ill be watching you!
She shakes her head and leaves. I call Rachael.
Rachael: Hello?
Me: I am filing a misconduct report against the nurses here for Cruel and Unusual Punishment!
Rachael (laughing): Aww honey, did they cut you off?
Me (very upset): WHAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING A PAIN SCALE IF THEY’RE JUST GOING TO IGNORE IT?
Rachael (sincere): But you sound better sweetie.
Me (scowling): We no longer can be friends!
I hang up. I can’t associate with a traitor! If I didn’t know better, I would suspect she was French!
Two days later, I still only had vision in one eye but I was paroled anyways. The nurses gleefully waved at me while I left with my multiple Vicodin prescriptions. I still wonder how they sleep at night!
Rachael arrived from Florida at this point to drive me back to my hotel and to help me out.
(I decided to pardon her for treason due to the fact it cost her $500 to see me. She got a speeding ticket and I figured Karma had aired its revenge.)
When Rachael and I got to the hotel she was leery.
Rachael (curiously): Corie?
Me: hmm?
Rachael (suspiciously): Is this the SAME room you were bitten in?
Me (appalled): Oh, heavens NO! Do you think I would stay in the same room?
Rachael: Just checking.
I was lying. Don’t Judge Me!
True Stories of Corie Anziano 