The Day I won the Lottery
I wake up staring at the ceiling. I feel like I have been train wrecked. My outlook on the world today is bland and uninspiring. I hit writer’s block two days ago and I am still mourning my creative ability with hopes it will resurrect itself soon. I think God is punishing me for something but I have no idea why; I live such a wholesome life. I have hit the point where even my conscience is talking to me:
Self: “Corie, I don’t think this is working out. It’s not you, it’s me! I think we need space.”
I refuse to answer back. Not because of the stereotypical characteristics associated with answering ones self, but because I have nothing to say until Mr. Conscience apologizes!
I then sit up and sit on the side of my bed and it dons on me: I have been wearing the same spaghetti stained t-shirt for two days. The stain has graduated to being an annoyance. Therefore, being the spotless perfectionist that I am, I lift the shirt over my head, turn it inside out and put it back on. Stain – GONE!
I get up and go fumbling through the kitchen and make a pot of coffee. While I am waiting for my Starbucks brew, I look for some cereal. Corn Puffs – I pour a big bowl.
(Its not that it’s my favorite, but it’s all I have until I go shopping.)
I then shuffle to the fridge.
“No Milk. That’s just Great!!”
I need a substitute! I rummage through the cupboards – Nothing. What the hell can I use? I look in the pantry. No condensed milk or evaporated either. Then I see it – Kahlúa! I make Chocolate Ghetto Puffs. (Don’t judge me!)
I go back to the coffee pot again and become immediately disgusted with myself.
“Dammit, I forgot to put coffee in!”
I now have a pot of hot water.
“Can this day get ANY worse?”
I guess I could make tea? No. Instant coffee? No, that shit tastes like ass.
Ovaltine? Why Not!!
Hot Ovaltine and Chocolate Ghetto Puffs – It’s the breakfast of Champions!
As I turn on the TV eating my cocoa concoction my mind wanders and my imagination starts to toy with me as I see a woman ecstatic over winning the lottery.
Voices in my head (taunting): “Maybe you should play the lotto!”
Me (depressed): “no, I don’t think so. I never win.”
Voice: “You never play!”
Me (pondering): “True”
Voice (convincing): “You could WIN!”
Me (getting excited): “really?”
Voice in my head: “God WANTS you to win. Think about it…Do HAPPY people win? NO! This would make the perfect story. Writer blocked woman wins 50 million on Powerball – News at 6!”
Voice: “God’s been holding out on you.”
Me (agreeing): “He HAS!”
I decide God DOES owes me! Maybe Karma is finally singing my song! This must be a sign! A random thought like this NEVER pops into my head at this stature. I hurry and take a shower to go down to the Quik Mart to buy a ticket immediately.
On the way there, there is a man holding a sign in the median of the road that read “Jesus loves You!”
I honk my horn and yell out the window:
Me (ecstatic): “Thank You Brother!”
It’s yet another sign! I can feel the adrenaline rushing in my veins!! As I stop at a red light, I see a slow moving woman wearing a “Vegas” t-shirt, crossing the road with a midget. Right before I honk at them to get out of my way, I see the symbolism!
“Holy Shit! It’s a Leprechaun and Lady Luck!”
Today IS my day! I yell inside my car to the sky:
“I HEAR YOU LORD!”
I am getting high on life! The air smells cleaner, the people seem “different”. It’s as if they recognize that soon I will be “The First National” on my block! I will buy a fast car with a fancy license plate with letters that spell cute phrases phonetically like:
“IrichUpo”, “WhoBlafNow”, or just “HAHAHAH!
I then turn on the radio.
“OH MY GOD!” They are playing “I Wanna Be Rich”, by Calloway!
“Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!”
As I pull into the Quik Mart humming my happy tune, I look at all of the mortals who will soon bow to my mere existence due to my over exuberant wealth! It feels good to reign!
Counter lady (bland): “Can I help you?”
Me (convinced): “I will take my winning Power Ball ticket Please!”
Counter Lady (condescending): “Oh, How Original, like I haven’t heard that one before!”
Me (irritated): “You just wait until you see my face on the news with the winning ticket!
Counter Lady: “Yeah, can’t wait – woohoo! NEXT?”
WHAT??? How DARE she look her second-rate nose down at me?? I will make sure the electric fence around my mansion is turned up Extra-High when she passes by!!
I then get in my car admiring my ticket. I could feel its power just by holding it in my hands! I safely tuck it into the glove compartment and head home.
When I arrive, I take my ticket inside and put it on my refrigerator with a magnet. I start to daydream more about all of the things I plan on doing with the money:
A new car, a mansion in the hills of Beverly, a beach home in Maui, a Yacht and of course, a small percentage to a Charity. (I can write that off at the end of the year!)
I then start making a list of all of the people who I love and should help. (It’s funny; the list seems “shorter” than I imagined it would be).
I then start doodling. I have memorized my winning ticket numbers and I write them real neatly across the top of the list. I then leave the paper by the kitchen phone and decide to get some rest. I have a long day tomorrow when I go down to the claiming office.
LATER THAT NIGHT:
I wake. I reach over for the phone; it’s time to get my numbers confirmed. I listen to the numbers and I write them down on a piece of paper by the bedroom phone. My first instinct is to run and get the ticket, but NO! I force myself to relax and do this calmly. There is no reason for getting all crazy; it’s not the proper etiquette of the elite.
So, I go to the bathroom, make a pot of coffee (remembering to actually put it in this time) and THEN get the ticket. I close my eyes with it in my hands holding it to my chest.
Me (soft and sweetly): “Lord, you know I love you, right?”
I take a deep breath and compare it to the numbers on the paper by the kitchen phone.
“OH MY GOD! I KNEW IT! I WON!!!!!”
I start doing the happy dance all over my house yelling on top of my lungs!
I am crying tears of happiness!!! I fall to my knees and thank the Lord again! I am ecstatic! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!! I knew the phrase “ask and you shall receive” was written especially for me!!! I can’t wait to see the clerks face NOW when she sees me on the news!!! I MUST CALL EVERYONE I KNOW!!!
I pick up the phone…WAIT! I should talk to my lawyer first! Yes, that’s it! Incorporate!
I can feel the current of the electric fence already! I can smell the new interior of the car!
I run in my room to get dressed. (I want to be at the claiming office when it opens!) I must look good because they take your picture also! As I look for the perfect “I won, you didn’t” outfit, I decide I HAVE TOO TELL SOMEONE!
I will call my mom. I sit on my bed and start dialing the phone. I am so excited, I miss-dial 4 times!!! I look at the clock. It’s 3am. The phone starts to ring. I am smiling HUGE!!!
Then, it happens. I see a piece of paper by the phone with numbers scribbled across the top. They bare no resemblance to any I have seen before. I then realize what I have done.
Mom (groggy): ‘hello”
I hang up. I go running into the kitchen and get my ticket and bring it to my room.
My tears of happiness turn to tears of pain. I sit on my bed half dressed, saddened and depressed. I think of the Biblical phrase written especially for me:
“God Giveth, God Taketh Away.”
I fall back on my bed looking at the ceiling. I feel like I have been train wrecked. My outlook on the world today is bland and uninspiring more than ever with the knowledge, that I won the lottery for 14 minutes and 54 seconds!
Corie L. Anziano
This entry was posted on May 15, 2007 at 6:50 pm and is filed under Comedy, Corie, Corie L. Anziano, corieStories, drama, Entertainment, Family, Film, Funny, Humor, Life, Social, Talent, True, Uncategorized, WMA, writer, writing . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.