The Day I won the Lottery
I wake up staring at the ceiling. I feel like I have been train wrecked. My outlook on the world today is bland and uninspiring. I hit writer’s block two days ago and I am still mourning my creative ability with hopes it will resurrect itself soon. I think God is punishing me for something but I have no idea why; I live such a wholesome life. I have hit the point where even my conscience is talking to me:
Self: “Corie, I don’t think this is working out. It’s not you, it’s me! I think we need space.”
I refuse to answer back. Not because of the stereotypical characteristics associated with answering ones self, but because I have nothing to say until Mr. Conscience apologizes!
I then sit up and sit on the side of my bed and it dons on me: I have been wearing the same spaghetti stained t-shirt for two days. The stain has graduated to being an annoyance. Therefore, being the spotless perfectionist that I am, I lift the shirt over my head, turn it inside out and put it back on. Stain – GONE!
I get up and go fumbling through the kitchen and make a pot of coffee. While I am waiting for my Starbucks brew, I look for some cereal. Corn Puffs – I pour a big bowl.
(Its not that it’s my favorite, but it’s all I have until I go shopping.)
I then shuffle to the fridge.
“No Milk. That’s just Great!!”
I need a substitute! I rummage through the cupboards – Nothing. What the hell can I use? I look in the pantry. No condensed milk or evaporated either. Then I see it – Kahlúa! I make Chocolate Ghetto Puffs. (Don’t judge me!)
I go back to the coffee pot again and become immediately disgusted with myself.
“Dammit, I forgot to put coffee in!”
I now have a pot of hot water.
“Can this day get ANY worse?”
I guess I could make tea? No. Instant coffee? No, that shit tastes like ass.
Ovaltine? Why Not!!
Hot Ovaltine and Chocolate Ghetto Puffs – It’s the breakfast of Champions!
As I turn on the TV eating my cocoa concoction my mind wanders and my imagination starts to toy with me as I see a woman ecstatic over winning the lottery.
Voices in my head (taunting): “Maybe you should play the lotto!”
Me (depressed): “no, I don’t think so. I never win.”
Voice: “You never play!”
Me (pondering): “True”
Voice (convincing): “You could WIN!”
Me (getting excited): “really?”
Voice in my head: “God WANTS you to win. Think about it…Do HAPPY people win? NO! This would make the perfect story. Writer blocked woman wins 50 million on Powerball – News at 6!”
Voice: “God’s been holding out on you.”
Me (agreeing): “He HAS!”
I decide God DOES owes me! Maybe Karma is finally singing my song! This must be a sign! A random thought like this NEVER pops into my head at this stature. I hurry and take a shower to go down to the Quik Mart to buy a ticket immediately.
On the way there, there is a man holding a sign in the median of the road that read “Jesus loves You!”
I honk my horn and yell out the window:
Me (ecstatic): “Thank You Brother!”
It’s yet another sign! I can feel the adrenaline rushing in my veins!! As I stop at a red light, I see a slow moving woman wearing a “Vegas” t-shirt, crossing the road with a midget. Right before I honk at them to get out of my way, I see the symbolism!
“Holy Shit! It’s a Leprechaun and Lady Luck!”
Today IS my day! I yell inside my car to the sky:
“I HEAR YOU LORD!”
I am getting high on life! The air smells cleaner, the people seem “different”. It’s as if they recognize that soon I will be “The First National” on my block! I will buy a fast car with a fancy license plate with letters that spell cute phrases phonetically like:
“IrichUpo”, “WhoBlafNow”, or just “HAHAHAH!
I then turn on the radio.
“OH MY GOD!” They are playing “I Wanna Be Rich”, by Calloway!
“Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!”
As I pull into the Quik Mart humming my happy tune, I look at all of the mortals who will soon bow to my mere existence due to my over exuberant wealth! It feels good to reign!
Counter lady (bland): “Can I help you?”
Me (convinced): “I will take my winning Power Ball ticket Please!”
Counter Lady (condescending): “Oh, How Original, like I haven’t heard that one before!”
Me (irritated): “You just wait until you see my face on the news with the winning ticket!
Counter Lady: “Yeah, can’t wait – woohoo! NEXT?”
WHAT??? How DARE she look her second-rate nose down at me?? I will make sure the electric fence around my mansion is turned up Extra-High when she passes by!!
I then get in my car admiring my ticket. I could feel its power just by holding it in my hands! I safely tuck it into the glove compartment and head home.
When I arrive, I take my ticket inside and put it on my refrigerator with a magnet. I start to daydream more about all of the things I plan on doing with the money:
A new car, a mansion in the hills of Beverly, a beach home in Maui, a Yacht and of course, a small percentage to a Charity. (I can write that off at the end of the year!)
I then start making a list of all of the people who I love and should help. (It’s funny; the list seems “shorter” than I imagined it would be).
I then start doodling. I have memorized my winning ticket numbers and I write them real neatly across the top of the list. I then leave the paper by the kitchen phone and decide to get some rest. I have a long day tomorrow when I go down to the claiming office.
LATER THAT NIGHT:
I wake. I reach over for the phone; it’s time to get my numbers confirmed. I listen to the numbers and I write them down on a piece of paper by the bedroom phone. My first instinct is to run and get the ticket, but NO! I force myself to relax and do this calmly. There is no reason for getting all crazy; it’s not the proper etiquette of the elite.
So, I go to the bathroom, make a pot of coffee (remembering to actually put it in this time) and THEN get the ticket. I close my eyes with it in my hands holding it to my chest.
Me (soft and sweetly): “Lord, you know I love you, right?”
I take a deep breath and compare it to the numbers on the paper by the kitchen phone.
“OH MY GOD! I KNEW IT! I WON!!!!!”
I start doing the happy dance all over my house yelling on top of my lungs!
I am crying tears of happiness!!! I fall to my knees and thank the Lord again! I am ecstatic! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!! I knew the phrase “ask and you shall receive” was written especially for me!!! I can’t wait to see the clerks face NOW when she sees me on the news!!! I MUST CALL EVERYONE I KNOW!!!
I pick up the phone…WAIT! I should talk to my lawyer first! Yes, that’s it! Incorporate!
I can feel the current of the electric fence already! I can smell the new interior of the car!
I run in my room to get dressed. (I want to be at the claiming office when it opens!) I must look good because they take your picture also! As I look for the perfect “I won, you didn’t” outfit, I decide I HAVE TOO TELL SOMEONE!
I will call my mom. I sit on my bed and start dialing the phone. I am so excited, I miss-dial 4 times!!! I look at the clock. It’s 3am. The phone starts to ring. I am smiling HUGE!!!
Then, it happens. I see a piece of paper by the phone with numbers scribbled across the top. They bare no resemblance to any I have seen before. I then realize what I have done.
Mom (groggy): ‘hello”
I hang up. I go running into the kitchen and get my ticket and bring it to my room.
My tears of happiness turn to tears of pain. I sit on my bed half dressed, saddened and depressed. I think of the Biblical phrase written especially for me:
“God Giveth, God Taketh Away.”
I fall back on my bed looking at the ceiling. I feel like I have been train wrecked. My outlook on the world today is bland and uninspiring more than ever with the knowledge, that I won the lottery for 14 minutes and 54 seconds!
Corie L. Anziano
This entry was posted on May 15, 2007 at 6:50 pm and is filed under Comedy, Corie, Corie L. Anziano, corieStories, drama, Entertainment, Family, Film, Funny, Humor, Life, Social, Talent, True, Uncategorized, WMA, writer, writing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.